Ah women. They're some puzzling creatures, aren't they? They cry when they're happy, go silent when they're mad, and say things are okay when they're clearly not. It's a waste of time for men to try to figure them out. But then again, few things are more unpleasant than having an unhappy woman on your hands. You need help. And I am here to give it to you. Yesterday my friends at What Black Men Want (whom I owe a guest post that I am woefully overdue on and am publicly shaming myself for as an act of contrition) schooled the ladies on how to keep a Black man happy. The list was beautiful in its simplicity. But we gals are a bit more complex, so here is my ultimate guide to making your (Black) woman happy. Tell her she’s pretty. I told you guys about this already here. And here! But I don’t think you guys are hearing me. So for the last time let me remind you that the quickest route from miserable woman to docile kitten is three simple words: you’re so pretty.

It’s bad for business for women to admit it, but we know we get a little irrational sometimes. We can occasionally be guilty of getting angry for no good reason or flying off the handle over dumb shit. And when we do that, we need you to shut us down. When women are being crabby for no good reason (that’s the caveat here – it has to be no good reason. Not something you just don’t feel like hearing about because you know you’re wrong) there is nothing sexier than a simple declarative sentence that lets us know you will not tolerate our histrionics any longer. I call it the hush mama but “chill”, “do as I tell you”, “sit down”, “don’t fly past your nest” and suchlike all work wonders. For one thing, it’ll make us stop bitching. For another, panties tend to start flying. Because you know why your woman fights you so much? So you can win. We like winners. Offer. So she doesn’t have to ask. A ride home, a bite of your food, the remote control. To take out the garbage, to go down, to get on top. It doesn’t matter what. Just offer something so she doesn’t have to ask for everything. Just listen. Without telling her what to do. Look I know it doesn’t make sense to you guys, but some times women just need to vent. We don’t want advice, we don’t want a plan of attack or a course of action. We want to purge ourselves of our frustration right on top of your head. So just let us talk, make sympathetic noises, and be as outraged by whatever egregious act we’re bitching about as we are. Oh and by the way? Listen! to what she says. Speaking of listening, it would be amazing if you could actually absorb and process at least 80% of what your woman says. Right now you’re sitting at about 40% and we need you to step it up. I know what you guys do – put on your best fake listening face and keep an ear peeled for “important” words while not really processing the entire story. But listening is sexy. Do it more.

Give her a straight answer. Even when she hasn’t asked a question. You know what she wants to know. You know she’ll be happier if she knows it. So just answer the question she may or may not be asking. Please. No hemming and hawing. No obfuscation with irrelevant facts. No long pauses and deep sighs. Just a straight answer that doesn’t require a panel of girlfriends to dissect and interpret. Say nice things. Yeah yeah we watch too many movies and read too many romance novels. Yeah we get warped and unrealistic ideas of what is reasonable to expect from these movies and books. But why not take advantage of the roadmap laid out for you and say some over the top obsequious shit? ”You’re the best woman I’ve ever met” (word to Steve Brady), “I think that you are incredibly beautiful” (word to Darius Lovehall), “I’m so lucky to have you”, or even a simple “I love you” work wonders. Trust me. Pay attention to her. Just her. For even just one hour a day, don’t have one eye on the TV, or Tweetdeck, or COD. Ignore your phone and just look at her. Give her your undivided attention. Make her feel like nothing is more interesting than what she’s saying or doing at that moment. Please.

I don’t need to know that your girlfriend before me loved Silver Diner too and you went there all the time with her. Just tell me you never fully appreciated it until I schooled you on how amazing it is. Who is that hurting? It won’t kill you to tell me I’m the best you ever had, even as one corner of your mind drifts back to that stripper you fucked who blew your fucking mind. God knows you lie about the big things, so lie about the little things once in a while. Be a little delicate. It’s not that we can’t handle the truth, we just like it wrapped up in a silk glove sometimes. The only thing that needs to be delivered raw dog is your dick. Everything else can be softened up with a few platitudes. Rough her up. If you’ve never grasped, pulled, or scratched your woman you are failing at life. We want to be manhandled in the bedroom - it’s evidence of your overwhelming passion for us. So bite, clutch, spank, drag. Whatever. Just no donkey punches.